Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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