Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
