the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
