respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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