I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im drinking this country out of the recession.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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