John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Randomize
