My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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