That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
