Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
