Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
