I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
