im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
