I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
