fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
