i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
