I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
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Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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