She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
