I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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