either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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