I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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