I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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