booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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