forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
