I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
