thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
