Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
