All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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