It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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