Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
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I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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