The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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