you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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