Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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