I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
