Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
