we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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