just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
