i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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