You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
