Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
