You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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