He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
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