A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
