I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
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My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
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Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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