new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
