I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
