Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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