just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
They have beer where we have blood.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
