I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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