You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
