I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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