How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
