I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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