just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
