Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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