Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize