guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
