I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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