I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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