legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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