What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She bit a glass in half.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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