i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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