She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
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he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
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Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.