I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.