you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
nutella sex= disaster
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail